maine-maine

Friday, August 13, 2010 @ 11:15 PM

.venting to the teddy bear.

snippets.
too tired to blog,
too tired to think of anything.
too tired to live?

oops1ifarted 9:16 pm
(9:16:33 PM): yeah i kno

(9:16:45 PM): pardon me for the serious talk but,

(9:16:51 PM): i just wanted to ask

Teddybear 9:17 pm
(9:17:13 PM): yes?

oops1ifarted 9:18 pm
(9:18:16 PM): i really forced him didnt i..
(9:18:47 PM): it was my fault..
(9:20:11 PM): 2 things that killed me now that i look back at this..

(9:20:29 PM): 1.) knowing that i forced him because i knew i was running out of time

(9:20:41 PM): i forced him because i refuse to see what my brother and my mom saw
(9:21:04 PM): i defended him against my parents and brother, at the same time forcing him so he can prove me right..

Teddybear 9:21 pm
(9:21:34 PM): sigh.

(9:21:40 PM): it wasn't your fault

oops1ifarted 9:22 pm
(9:22:08 PM): i dont know if he knew, how much i wanted to just jump on the wagon, and be with him run off and not care about anything else thats stopping me..

(9:22:18 PM): but i couldnt..

(9:22:27 PM): it is my fault..

(9:22:35 PM): i did shove it down his throat..

(9:22:42 PM): i did..

(9:22:56 PM): 2.) that killed me..

(9:23:01 PM): the fact that knowing now,
(9:23:15 PM): that instead of his love growing for me... that i just started to shrink.. i mean

(9:23:34 PM): thats a huge blow, me sitting here he loved me like i thought he did..

(9:23:42 PM): maybe i was wrong..

(9:23:51 PM): because..

(9:23:54 PM): the sammy i knew..

(9:24:00 PM): loved me with all his heart..

(9:24:19 PM): thats why i loved him with all mine.

oops1ifarted 9:27 pm
(9:27:24 PM): see,

(9:27:36 PM): he says "religion is somethign you should belive in"

(9:27:49 PM): that was the reason why i invited him

(9:27:55 PM): so he can hear what we have to say

(9:28:02 PM): and compare it with what he knows

(9:28:07 PM): and what he learned..

(9:28:17 PM): not because i wanted him on lockdown with me..

oops1ifarted 9:34 pm
(9:34:10 PM): its been 8 months, im so done beating myself up

(9:34:17 PM): im so done feeling like a dead corpse everyday

(9:34:39 PM): im so done, i just want to be happy again...

(9:35:09 PM): i was so desperate, even i let that sean son of a bitch almost too closely molest me..
(9:35:36 PM): i just wanted to get out, i've been dead for the past 8 months.

(9:35:40 PM): wat the fuck..

(9:36:01 PM): everytime i fall down writing statuses saying stuff like i miss him

(9:36:04 PM): that i still love him

(9:36:16 PM): still look at his profile ever so often

(9:36:19 PM): even think about him

(9:36:24 PM): when, he's with her

(9:36:33 PM): im sitting here like.

(9:36:38 PM): why the fuck can't i do that

(9:36:59 PM): why can't i just grab a guy somewhere, have sex with him. maybe date for for a little and just be done with it.

(9:37:16 PM): im so fucking mad at myself.

(9:37:21 PM): for forcing sam

(9:37:30 PM): and for being a fucking wreck like ia am

(9:37:35 PM): i dont like it when people say im weak
(9:37:50 PM): i've fought all my years telling myself im not

(9:37:56 PM): but im such a fucking wreck.

(9:38:17 PM): i can't take this anymore..

(9:38:36 PM): i cant... control.. myself.

(9:39:04 PM): and i can't control anything else around me anymore..

(9:39:20 PM): i cannot handle anymore...

(9:39:29 PM): i've already lost the love of my life,

(9:39:38 PM): i've been played by an asshole

(9:39:47 PM): and now im on th verge of losing my mother.
(9:39:51 PM): i can't

(9:39:53 PM): take this anymore.

(9:40:00 PM): im so fucking tired....

(9:43:22 PM): im fucking strong.

(9:43:23 PM): i was.

(9:43:33 PM): i hate being proven wrong.

(9:43:46 PM): why can't for once...

(9:43:57 PM): why con't someone love me the same way i love them?....
(9:44:10 PM): am i not deserving?

(9:44:21 PM): is there somethign wrong with me?

(9:44:22 PM): tell me

(9:44:27 PM): because i sepnt my whoel lifetime

(9:44:29 PM): making sure

(9:44:35 PM): i was the perfect girfriend.

when does hating make you wake up?
when does losing hope make you realize?
when does knowing make you see?
that no matter what you do
he's not coming back to you.