maine-maine

Wednesday, July 21, 2010 @ 4:33 PM

.single life.

so now i guess, after a long long break.. (2 months really)... i've decided to make another post.. i guess to keep updated.. talk a little bit about my life and what has been going on that's emotionally draining me for the past.. well since this year started.

i can still smell your scent.. its intoxicating.
so i saw him today.. gave him my binder for band. after a long day spent with sean.. seeing you wasnt exactly the cherry i was hoping to be placed on top. truth of the matter is.. i still miss you alot. i have told myself with everything that i know.. i told myself that i would move on.. and i did for a little.. but my search for a guy who can beat you in all ways have only sent me back into remembering that you were the "perfect guy" that i was looking for.

truth of the matter is sam.. i still love you.. and i still miss you. in the back of my heart i still hope for that one day.. *sigh*

Sean Galang Gamboa
its the first time im mentioning his name. he was the first guy who captured my attention during the times that i was really still missing sam, and the time where im just like.. i dont wanna wake up anymore. a few came up to after sam and was just trying to ask me out, but i payed no attention. part because i wasnt willing to love again and part also because they could have never compared against sam..

regardless, sean as i thought. would have had at least the caliber to go up against sam.. not to beat him but to come close.. he had one thing sam didnt have.. and that was he was a member of the church... a choir member.. LOS officer. for once i was happy, yet sad.. i was content.. i had a piece of happiness.

i learned about his history.. his past with chantelle. awfully too similar of that and me and same in cases that chantelle is the love of his life and so was sam for me. during the times that we were talking he was still hurting from the breakup with the girl of his dreams. yet. we still talked.. every night..

hanged out on your birthday..
the first day we met.

you let me lean on you.. and use your shoulders.
later you held my hand.

the second day was my birthday..
this time.. it was perfect.. no holding back.. you let me use your shoulders once again.. let me hold your hand.. kissed me in the forehead as i left.

the third, the fourth.. the same.

.

my life in all ways is not a fairytale of course..
soon enough i learned about your "plan" and i was there stalling it, distracting you.
you said "im not worth it" but of course i said otherwise. I've fallen for you. I was afraid of another disappointment. i was afraid of being alone again.

so even though i wasnt emotionally prepared to fight for yet another guy,
or to go through emotionally draining test..
i said i could do it.
fought for you.
won your heart..

but up to what extent?...
chantelle's birthday came and since then the story was reversed.
you talked about her day and night..
said everything that went on between you two..
i put through all that even though i was easily becoming numb from the pain.. the pain of being rejected.. and the pain of missing sam at the same time..

one day you just called me up to say
"i can't love you, its not fair"
i think it might have been one of the few times i manage to get tears out of my weary eyes.
why now?.. why wait so long.. why choose her and hold on to me.. why put me through all these...

but i put myself in this situation.. i couldnt turn to anyone.. i was too ashamed.. all i had to point finger to was me.. i did this to myself. i set myself to be hurt.

so today..
was a closure.

i told myself i can't just sit here and get hurt anymore.. i cant.. i've already fought what i had left to offer. i put myself out there already.. sold myself short. and finally i said enough..

i guess here i am again standing.. to be honest.. afraid of the single life. i know it isnt as bad..
im just longing to be held again.. be treated like i was the only person that mattered in the world.. i really want to tell someone again that i love them.. and mean it... to make them the center of my world. to care for them.. to wake them up in the mornings.

my eyes are too numb..
they wont even cry anymore.

*****

im trying to find ways to keep myself busy..
recently joined a project with a bunch of my church friends.. trying to pass time. hoping this year would just end..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Kp0itx6m2Y

its pretty much a bunch of us friends going around.. asking people to write something positive about themselves.

i want mine to say "im blessed."
♥