Hey there sweetheart... how are you.. its been a while since i last saw you.. you were holding my hand.. it was our last day together.. But now you went away for a little bit.. and my heart.. my heart is having the hardest time taking it... you're only away rightt?.. not gone.. gone for good..

Its funny how you say "I haven't forgotten about you".. I mean, i know it is true, in my heart i know it is true, it isnt something that i just try to hold on to.. or make myself believe.. i know for a fact you havent forgotten about me... at least maybe not for a while.. or never.. yet.. what is funny about is that... how come your actions.. you not responding to anything i send anymore.. texts, im's, fb message, fb comment, even sometimes when i call your name.. you simply.. walk away from me... hun.. they all translate to me as you already moved on...despite what i know deep inside my heart.. confusing huh?... i just wish... i just wish you'd show me something.. something to hold on to... besides my faith.. and my hope for our love... you know... little show of feelings here and there.. sigh

But i guess you dont want me to do that.. you dont want me to hope... and have that hope get crushed... but what if... what if i had asked god one of those nights.. i asked him to let me know whether i should wait or not and have hope in us and what not.. and he responded with "dont lose hope" over and over again... what if.. thats the reason why i refuse to listen to you.. haha yes i refuse to listen... cause i feel like god has a plan... for you.. for me..

You know hun.. this hurts too.. more than ever... its a step down from the hurt i felt when you first told me we couldnt be together.. I mean... we could have broken up and maintained that friendship we had embedded in our relationship.. which i was kind of hoping the first time i saw KC and all your other ex girlfriends that you became friends with... i was hoping that... i couldnt bare to loose you and not have you in my life... because quite frankly.. a year and half of talking everyday and calling and texting and iming... you suddenly dropped back and it hit me.. althought i was numb.. still numb from pain... it still hit me.. and i sit here crying every night in prayer... asking god to soften your heart..... I've been reading alot about your sign cancer, it said that you guys tend to retreat to your shells after being hurt and after some time poking your head out and seeing the world again... but quite frankly im scared of you doing that..

Im scared.... that by the time you do.. you'd be ready to see other people.. to like other people... to maybe even love again... but baby not matter how much i tell myself it is for the best... i still.. cannot... would not be.. able to live if i see you with another woman... i've already hit rock bottom... but i think there's still hell bottom.. and i need another layer after that.. because... sweetheart... you're the only one i loved like this... and i still love you very much... I cant see another girl doing the same things i've done with you... making you smile... them having your attention.. You know that was my favorite thing about you... I was always special... hopefully still am...Call me crazy but i just..i can't let you go... despite what other people say it will only take time... time would yes... i guess heal my pain... more like lessen it... but it will never.. never be able to erase the fact that i love you.... i made a promise remember?.. "i'll love you till the end of my life"

I never thought a guy could me make me fall in love like this.. and then you came along and changed my perception of the world... changed the shape of my heart and filled it with love... Sam.. please come back to my side, the sam i know.. my lobster.. not this crab who tries to hide in his house.. afraid of getting hurt... sweetheart.. im hurting too... im pretty sure you are underestimating it... as much as im underestimating yours...

i wish i was just saying that to be melodramatic.. but now i know what it feels like to die slowly